In our monthly Men’s Bible Study, we’ve been covering some of what the Bible has to say about manhood as opposed to what the world has to say (see related posts here and here). We recently had a very interesting discussion the other night about how many modern notions of masculinity actually help foster lives of hidden (and sometimes not so hidden) sin.

One of the stereotypes our culture fosters about masculinity is that of the “strong silent type,” that men need to have everything together and under control and be silent in the process. From a very early age we’re led to believe that it’s women who are more open, honest, vulnerable and willing to share their feelings and struggles. Men, on the other hand are taught that sharing like that is actually feminine and therefore weak.

This, coupled with the notion that men are to always have things under control (though this is necessarily applicable only for men), creates men who often find themselves wearing masks, pretending that there are no problems. We’re taught to hold things in under the mask of masculinity. Edward T. Welch, in his book When People Are Big and God is Small, quotes Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard about this idea of hiding behind masks:

Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when everyone has thrown off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself; I have seen men who played hide and seek so long that at last in madness they disgustingly obtruded upon others their secret thoughts which hitherto they had proudly concealed.

Though not specifically dealing with masculinity, this certainly applies. Many men actually find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle. On the one hand, we’re told to keep our struggles (and, by default our sins) hidden because it’s not masculine to be so vulnerable. On the other hand, hidden sin breeds more hidden sin, which soon becomes larger and harder to manage. We’re actually fostering attitudes about masculinity that encourages men to hide their sin because no one wants to be around a man who’s just going to talk about his struggles and failures all of the time! That’s not very masculine, is it? Or so our society would have us believe.

All the while, as our men are being encouraged to keep things hidden, there is a also a sense in which modern views of masculinity actually encourage sin. After all, who hasn’t been told that it’s a man’s prerogative to go out and raise some heck once in a while? After all, “boys will be boys,” right? Men are entitled to go out and mess up once in a while, or quite often, or all of the time. We romanticize the “bad boy” image. So, we foster an attitude that first encourages men to sin and then to keep it hidden by believing that it’s somehow feminine to be open, honest and vulnerable. The result is that many men are simply dying inside because of these unbiblical notions and practices.

In order to put an end to this vicious cycle, we must encourage men to be able to develop the discernment to tell what atitudes are of the world and what attitudes are biblical. The Bible tells us, that though we might hide sin from other people, it will eventually be revealed:

Numbers 32:23c be sure your sin will find you out.

Luke 12:1-4 Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. “I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do.

Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Churches must do better at helping men foster relationships that go beyond mere grunting or checking in with sports scores or stock tips (read here to see how some well-intentioned Christians actually make things worse). We must teach our men that to be open, honest and vulnerable is not necessarily feminine. The Bible often talks about the value of relationships, even from a very practical standpoint:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him - a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Paul tells us in Galatians 6:2 to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another. 1 John 1:9 tells us that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” In Psalm 32:2-5, David talks about the weariness that comes from keeping silent about sin. Confession is first and foremost to God, but there is also a vital aspect in which we must have relationships of accountability, especially as men. This is not to say that we pour ourselves out to the checkout clerk at the grocery store or everyone we meet, but we must be developing key relationships in which we can share these things. There is something special about God’s people speaking God’s Word into one another’s lives that is powerful and effective. Nelson’s Complete Book of Stories, Illustrations & Quotes quotes Billy Graham as saying:

Several years ago I was to be interviewed at my home for a well-known television show and, knowing that it would appear on nationwide television, my wife took great pains to see that everything looked nice. She had vacuumed and dusted and tidied up the whole house but had gone over the living room with a fine-tooth comb since that was where the interview would be filmed. When the film crew arrived with all the lights and cameras, she felt that everything in the living room was spic and span. We were in place along with the interviewer when suddenly the television lights were turned on and we saw cobwebs and dust where we had never seen them before. In the words of my wife, “I mean, that room was festooned with dust and cobwebs which simply did not show up under ordinary light.”

The point, of course is that when we have others shining light into our lives, we see things we might not otherwise have seen. Our men must move beyond these shallow definitions of what constitutes masculinity to develop relationships that are open, honest and vulnerable. We must learn to remove the masks in order to become the men the Bible would have us to be rather than society’s cheap knockoffs.

• Read When People Are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch
• Use Nelson’s Complete Book of Stories, Illustrations & Quotes, compiled by Robert Morgan
• Read Future Men by Douglas Wilson
• Read The Church Impotent: The Feminization of Christianity by Leon J. Podles